Reviving Your Sex Life After a Dry Spell
Reviving Your Sex Life. Well lads, it’s been so long since you got your wiggle on between the sheets that you probably couldn’t find a woman’s clitoris with a torch and a treasure map. But have no fear – help is here!
Whether you’ve been focused on work, going through a dry spell, or just haven’t felt like it, it happens to all of us. But now you’re ready to get back on the horse and ride into pleasure town.
Getting back into the swing of things after a sexual hiatus can feel daunting. Your confidence may be shot, nerves could get the best of you, and you may finish faster than a 100m sprinter. But don’t sweat it! With the right approach, you’ll be back to bonking like a champ in no time.
Set the Mood
First up, set the perfect mood for bonking by:
- Lighting candles so she can see your sexiest parts (wink wink).
- Playing Marvin Gaye songs to get her juices flowing.
- Offering your finest 2-for-1 drink specials (it’s happy hour somewhere!)
- Wearing a top hat and Classy Man thong. Oh yeahhh.
Foreplay is Your Best Mate
Spend at least 30 minutes on foreplay or she’ll be drier than a camel’s elbow. Kiss, caress, and tease her forbidden zones to wake up her naughty nerve endings.
You’ve been out of commission for a bit, which means you’ll likely be more sensitive to stimulation down below. Take your time with foreplay to avoid peaking too soon. Kiss, caress, tease – do everything in your power to get her engine revving before you stick your key in the ignition.
Give that clitoris so much attention it files a restraining order. Use your fingers, tongue, toys, whatever tools necessary to get the job done!
Make foreplay your Olympic sport and go for the gold, champ!
Try New Sex Positions
Bust out some Kama Sutra moves to spice it up! We recommend:
- The Reverse Cowgirl while yelling “YEEHAW!”
- The Piledriver, where you do a handstand and she bends over.
- The Standing Monkey, where you both hang from the ceiling fan.
The more ridiculous the position, the longer you’ll last trying not to fall over laughing!
Have a Pep Talk with Junior
Time for a pump up speech with your main man down below:
“Rise to the occasion, Junior! I know it’s been a while but we’ve got a big job to do, so get in the game. Tonight we bring the thunder! Now let’s go out there and make me proud!”
Visualize a heroic performance from your little soldier. You’ve got this, big guy!
Take Supplements (Wink Wink)
Swallow these “all natural herbal supplements” to keep your disco stick from finishing too fast:
Be an animal in the bedroom with these totally legitimate, not-at-all-sketchy products (discreet shipping available)!vitamins , minerals & supplements
Don’t Stress If You’re Rusty
Rome wasn’t built in a day. It will take some sessions to get your sexual stamina back in shape. When that happens:
- High five your partner and yell “Yeah buddy!”
- Do a touchdown dance and spike a football.
- Reward yourself with a pizza and beer.
Even if things don’t go perfectly at first, stay positive lads. You’ll be back in sexual tip top shape in no time!
What if I finish crazy fast the first time back?
Laugh it off! Say “Warm up lap is done, now let’s really go for a ride!”
How long will it take to regain my stud status?
Within 1-2 weeks of regular playtime you should be good to go, stallion.
Should I watch adult films to practice?
Absolutely not! Those movies are wildly unrealistic. Have realistic expectations when getting busy.
Can supplements really improve performance?
They may offer a boost but talk to your doctor to sort the facts from fiction.
What food boosts sexual stamina?
Oysters are your best bet for getting the lead back in your pencil thanks to the zinc. Saucy!
Let’s Get It On!
Alright lads, time to get back in the game! Don’t be nervous – just relax, communicate, laugh it off, and focus on enjoying each other. Before you know it you’ll once again be the Don Juan of the bedroom!
Now get to bonking – your partner is counting on you! Godspeed you sexy stallions!